I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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