I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
