I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
