Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
