I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i came on her dog
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize