we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize