I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
