Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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