I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
