If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
