Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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