Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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