mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
