Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
