I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Randomize
