i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
As shirtless as possible
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize