I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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