Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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