I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
