Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
