non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
