i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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