There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
