Screwed.edu
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
