my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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