cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
