I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
