Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
