I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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