I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
