Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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