Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
