There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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