his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
