God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
