Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize