Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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