My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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