Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
