i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
