My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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