If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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