Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
