If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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