just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
