I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
