i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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