Im at strip club and am horny
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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