Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
