the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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