genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Are my feet made of real feet?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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