there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
