Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
