then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
