apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it because I queefed?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
