walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
