When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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